Almost Threw In The Towel

Its been a rough two months in our household in the burbs. We have had a lot of drama and my heart has been racing most of the time. The economy, like most others, is kicking our butts. Dave has never made more money than he is right now and unfortunately we are not seeing it because he is putting so much more right back into his gas tank. See he drives his own car (SUV) to go to all of his stores. He gets paid for his mileage but trust me its no where near enough to make up for what he is putting into it. I on the other hand have lost hours at work and may stand to lose some more this fall. This is not FUN for any of us.

We are thinking of trading in my van and getting Dave a more fuel efficient vehicle and I would take over his SUV since I don't drive nearly as much as he does. The jury is still out on this one though. The kicker is he needs a vehicle that gets decent mileage but he really can't drive a sedan because of his knees. Its hard to find crossover vehicles with decent gas mileage that we can afford.

I've also been doing a lot of thinking about the whole adoption thing. When Dave and I started this process 2 1/2 years ago I never imagined in a million years that we would still be waiting for Diana with no sign of an end in sight. I have been wondering and worrying if we should even continue with the process. I worry about the age difference between the boys and Diana. I worry how I'm going to entertain two 8 year olds and a 1 year old at the same time. I worry that the boys are going to resent Diana when we can't do everything they want because she's too little. I worry about traveling with a little one again.

Am I willing to trade in my freedom? Right now the boys are pretty self sufficient. They play on their own. They feed themselves. They can get their own snacks. Sometimes they even make their own breakfasts and lunches. They don't rely on me for EVERYTHING anymore. Rarely do they wake up in the middle of the night. They are even now beginning to sleep in (even past 8am).

Can I even begin to imagine changing diapers again? Waking up in the middle of the night? Having to feed a one year old again? Planning my days around naps and bedtimes again? Am I ready to quit my job (how few hours it may be) to be home with a child who's not ready for daycare? Am I ready for car seats, cribs, and high chairs again? Am I ready to completely change our family dynamics?

These are the horrible thoughts I have been having for over six weeks now. What is so scary is they were beginning to consume my insides. I was there for Dave and the boys and we really did have fun on vacation but these thoughts have been gnawing on me every time there is a quiet moment.

I haven't been on my favorite adoption board lately because I just couldn't even pretend to be positive. I also didn't want to admit defeat because truthfully I wanted to wallow in my own little pity party that NO ONE not even Dave knew I was having.

I stopped participating in monthly swaps for two reasons. The obvious reason is financial but the other was because I was wondering what would I do with all the stuff I have accumulated in the last 2 1/2 years. I really did wonder what Dave was going to say about all the "wasted" money of all the things I have bought for the arrival of Diana and then for all the swaps if I said I wanted to end the quest.

I have quietly racked my brain for weeks about what to tell Dave. I wondered what the boys would think about not getting a sister after all. I dreaded telling all our family and friends. I think what bothered me the most is that so many of them don't understand this process and so they would just think we had been taken for a ride all along anyway. Of course those of you who are waiting with us know the truth.

Sunday Dave and I were driving to church and again the thoughts were racing. I had actually thought of telling him about my feelings after church. We were in church and as always after communion I begin to pray. I always thank God for Dave, the boys my friends and family. I ask him to continue to guide me and help point me in the right direction. As always I prayed for Diana. I asked God to watch over her no matter if she was born yet or not. As I prayed those words my heart was overcome with such peace. I felt as if God was reassuring me that this is what we are suppose to be doing.

At breakfast (the boys had spent the night at a neighbors so weren't with us). I finally told Dave all that I was thinking and feeling. I told him that I had planned on telling him I was ready to give up. I told him that I couldn't though. I was reminded again at church just how real Diana is to me. She is as real to me as the boys were the second I found out I was pregnant. I AM pregnant! I AM expecting a baby! I realize that this pregnancy is probably the longest gestation known in any animal kingdom but it is one I am willing to endure.

For those of you who know us, or know other people who are enduring this horrible wait. Accept that we are indeed pregnant just like people who are physically expecting a child. Just because you can't see our bellies bulge from growing a baby (Mine is bulging from over eating thank you very much!) doesn't mean we don't feel the same about our child. Ask us about the wait and actually listen to what we have to say. I don't expect you to totally get the process because I don't and I'm going through it...but do realize that China is not out for our money and now they are going to stiff us. China will not really see much of our money until we actually get our referral(and that's not a whole lot of money then either if you think about it all).

I am back to myself and willing to fight the fight with the rest of my waiting friends. I am ready to encourage my friends again and cheer them on as they get their referrals and bring home their babies. I am ready to give my family 100% again and to savor them like they deserve. I am ready to live my life as is until its time to turn my life upside down. The rewards I am sure will surpass any feelings of "losing out" when I am chasing a little girl who relies on me....even if she does wake me up before 7am.